The one with Jeremiah & the t-shirt

So we're hoping to travel in the next few months to get our sweet boys.  We have no official update yet, but please continue praying!

Today's verses from YouVersion--an amazing website/app-- are Jeremiah 33:1-3 NLT

"While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the Lord gave him this second message: 'This is what the Lord says—the Lord who made the earth, who formed and established it, whose name is the Lord: Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.'"

Wow, this one nailed me in the heart like a 2x4 to the face!  A few thoughts: 1) Jeremiah was in jail. JAIL. EEK. 2) He was still seeking the Lord despite his earthly circumstances. 3) He could hear the Lord's voice 4) God promises if we ask, He will answer.

As we wait on the Lord, we find ourselves in the position to live this scripture to its fullest.  We know God has a magnificent plan our lives & our boy's lives; & we know He loves them more than we ever could.  What our souls know & our minds wrestle with are often pinned against each other in stark contrast & sometimes it's tough to see the story God is writing.

So we have "mustard seed" days:  days where we are waiting & we cannot see the plan unfolding.  Days when we know what He's called us to & we cling to His promises because it's all we have.  Days when there is nothing left to do except wait on Him--& the Chinese government--& pray.

Today is a "mustard seed" day.  Honestly, I fear we may be in for a "mustard seed" week.  But that's ok.  We know & trust the journey as God has revealed to us so far, & we are clinging to our mustard seed as we ask Him to show us the "remarkable secrets we do not know about things to come."

As you know from previous stories, God has abundantly blessed us in this journey of adoption.  In addition to the details in this post, we've had friends provide the funds for Chosen Charlotte  advertising materials & the prayer support we've had is incredibly amazing!

We are so blessed.

There are many families that use creative methods for fundraising for their adoption.  After much prayer & consideration, Jonathan & I decided to sell t-shirts to raise money to support our upcoming travel expenses.

We've actually worked on it for several months now, & the we think the result is pretty AMAZING:

Jonathan & I have drawn great strength & encouragement from Matthew 17:20--the "mustard seed" scripture.  This is the inspiration of the t-shirt. 

The Chinese characters represent "faith in God" & the word "faith" & the scripture reference is written by our 7 year old son, Jayson.  

Our dear friend, Ryan Morris, is massively talented & has worked relentlessly to help create the final product. We are very grateful to him & his wife Alexis for how they have helped us & loved on us!

The colors for the design of the shirt were chosen because of what they symbolize in Chinese tradition: the color red represents good luck, celebration, happiness, joy, vitality, & long life.  The color black is the traditional color for young boys (who will continue the family/ ancestor lineages); also represents stability, knowledge, trust, adaptability, will, & emotional protection.  The color orange indicates change, adaptability, spontaneity, & strengthens concentration.

This truly has been an act of love & we are so excited for each of you to have the opportunity to purchase one!  We will profit $9.50 from each shirt sold, & there are kid's, women's slimfit, long-sleeved, & hoodie sizes available in addition to the standard unisex t-shirt!

If you're planning on joining us for our airport homecoming---when we arrive back in the US from China with our boys (there is not a specific date yet & ALL are welcome)--we'd LOVE for you to purchase one so we can see the sea of red, Faith in God when we return home!!

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE:   https://www.bonfirefunds.com/patterson-family-adoption

Thank you all for your love & support, we will keep you posted~

The one with emails, mandatory unemployment, & goats in Guatemala

Hello~

Today we'll start with emails.  Ahh, emails.  In the process of adoption, every email that comes through could be "the one we've been waiting for."  You know, the one that provides an update on our child or our paperwork.  The one saying the government, immigration, or some other important entity has approved our most recent request.  The one confirming that we've been legally matched to our son.

Those emails look something like these:

And sometimes, emails that come do so to inform us of the next payment due in the process.  For numerous reasons, international adoption can be very expensive--this is different than adopting from the US foster care system which typically requires very little expense on the adopting family's part-- & This blog post from Show Hope does a great job of explaining the expenses involved.  

So sometimes when the chime on my phone signals a new email it's wonderful news, & sometimes it's a new opportunity for us to put our money where our faith is & trust God with His plan!

[By the way, the agency we're working with for our China adoption has been FANTASTIC when it comes to giving us the cost estimate up-front & I'd be glad to discuss this part of it with anyone that is earnestly interested in learning!]

If you've read previous posts, you know my amazing hubby Jonathan--whom I like to brag about publicly--recently graduated & was given a mandatory 8 weeks off between graduation & starting his new job.  This was precious time for us as a family & a couple, but it meant we had no income for that 8 week period.  

So we prayed.  And we planned.  And we saved.  And we pinched pennies to ensure we could finance our everyday life while in the midst of an international adoption. 

You see, up to this point, we have been blessed to have paid for all our adoption costs out of pocket, but we knew this hiatus & the timing of our paperwork could be tricky.  

But as with every story that God writes, He had a plan to show up & show off during this time, despite our best planning efforts!

We knew what the costs were going to be that were associated with sending our paperwork to China, & we knew we were looking at a substantial amount in fees as our paperwork moved.  Honestly, the best plan we could come up with was to wait until Jonathan got his first paycheck--which would include a sign-on bonus--to use that money to move forward.  This would have resulted in an approximate 8 week delay in our paperwork, but we saw no other choice at the time.  

So God showed up & showed us His plan. 

I have to tell you that we have this INCREDIBLE community of adoptive families in our lives.  They are nothing short of AMAZING & it is such a blessing to do life with people that get it.  People that get the joys & sorrows of stepping into this world & recklessly pursuing the Father's heart in this way.  They are truly a blessing from God!  If you're a foster or adoptive family & you don't have a community of support, FIND one!  Right now, go!  Or call me if you get stumped & we'll find you one!  It's that important.

Back to the story: One summer afternoon we spent some time with one of the families & as we were leaving, they handed us an envelope.  We didn't open it until we got home, but the amount of the check they gave us to support our adoption nearly knocked me off my feet.  $2,000.

Of course we tried to give it back, & they wouldn't take it.  

The following week we were advised by our agency that we needed to pay $1,950 to send our paperwork to China.  With no income.  But we had a $2,000 check from friends that love like the Lord does.  So we paid the bill & our paperwork inched forward.  

Chills up & down my spine FOR REAL!  Our friends had no idea, we had no idea [we knew that payment was coming but didn't know when & we hadn't discussed it with anyone].  It was simply what they felt led to give--only God can do that y'all!

Ready for the "goats in Guatemala part?"  

So I have this friend whom I've only met once in person. She too is an adoptive mama & has had her eyes opened to the plight of women living in poverty around the world & how that directly contributes to the global orphan crisis.  She has since partnered with an amazing company that allows women to make jewelry, accessories, & home decor to be sold in the US.  These are women living in areas of the world where they would otherwise be unemployable.  Amazing stuff, truly!

So she emailed me & asked me if I wanted to do a Facebook fundraiser for our adoption.  We would partner together, she would virtually "host" a show, & she would donate her entire commission to our adoption.  Raising awareness & support for women around the world while fundraising AND our supporters would walk away with incredible gifts that would tell the story again & again....no-brainer!!

And one of the coolest parts of it all is that this particular company--in addition to having a superb business model--picks a charitable organization each month & provides donations to said charity as incentive for the entrepreneurs to sell more items.  So during the month of August, for every $600 sold during a show, the company agreed to donate a goat to a family in Guatemala.  Each goat provides sustainability & income for these families.  Whew, I'm getting chills just writing about it almost 6 weeks later!  YAY!

It was the first effort by my friend to partner with an adoptive family & raise money.

Y'all ready for this: our little FB party sold just over $1,200 in goods, so we earned 3 GOATS for GUATEMALA!!  EEK!!  3 GOATS--1 for each of our sons!!

All together, the company donated 98 goats to families in Guatemala, Haiti, & Costa Rica because the Guatemala program didn't need all 98!!  

And the amazingness continues:  our partnership resulted in $450 commission which my friend graciously gave to us to support our adoption adventure. 

Guess how much the next week's email told us we needed to pay?  Remember we are still "unemployed" & income-less.  

$360 translation fee.  EEK!! 

And God shows off yet again!!  Seriously.....I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

Y'all for real: God will show up.  He always does.  He keeps His promises that when He asks you to do something, He will faithfully walk the journey with you.  It doesn't always look like what I want it to in my life, & Lord knows His timing & mine are not always in sync, but He is always there, waiting & wanting to show how much He cares about you!

This week our pastor said, "We all want a miracle, we just don't want to put ourselves in a position to need one."  

I challenge you to put yourself in the position to need one.  Most likely it will be hard & it will get messy--hey, He might even turn your world completely upside down--but it is worth it y'all!  Worth the heartache, worth the tears, worth the struggles to get to see His hand at work in your own life. 

It's worth it. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

To check out the company I referenced above, you can find JJ Roberson on FB at JJ Roberson Trades of Hope S. Florida or online here.  It's a great way to educate yourself & support our sisters around the world!

Plus their stuff is BEAUTIFUL!

The one with integrity, envy, & my dirty feet

Let's start with integrity, which is not in & of itself a bad thing.

In May, I graduated from my dream graduate program from my dream school & in June, I received my dream certification:

& I officially became DeAnna H. Patterson, MSN, BSN, RN, CPNP!!

Then God said "no."  

No for real: after 3 years, thousands of dollars, & what felt like millions of miles later....God said "No DeAnna, the answer is no."

And He said "no" in a very clear manner. 

Like most new grads, following graduation, I prepped my CV, ironed my interview clothes, dusted off my "I-can-do-anything" pointy-toed black pumps & started applying for jobs. 

I sent out CVs & conducted follow-up phone calls as I prayed for God to make it clear what He has planned for this chapter of my life.  

As it turns out, He had been working in my heart for over a year, prepping me for His "no."  

Being in the process of adopting is much like interviewing for a job when you're 7 months pregnant--only there's no "baby bump" to give your secret away.  People don't necessarily wait for you to cross the parking lot or hold the door open as you waddle through; they also don't know that you're going to need the equivalent of a maternity leave sometime in the next few months.  

But what isn't different is the anticipation of your family growing & the personal knowledge that your life & family is about to be forever changed. 

When I began interviewing, JP & I prayed for clarity & wisdom regarding how & if I should present our family circumstances to my interviewers.  For us it was a no-brainer.  

I will always live & die by my faith, my love for my husband/children/family & friends, & my integrity.  And sometimes, maybe there's just too much integrity for my own good.  I'm a hard worker.  I am smart (in regards to a few things).  I love my profession.  I want to be a good employee.  I give 100% to everything I do.  I am a team player.  I value diversity in all aspects of life.  I want to learn from others.  So why wouldn't someone want to hire me? 

The truth that God has been pressing into my soul over the past 2 years is that while yes, I do believe I can be a heck of a PNP, now is not the time for me to do that. 

The Bible teaches us that there is a time for everything under Heaven (Ecclesiastes 3) & that God uses all things for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28).  He loves each of us & has a plan for each of our futures as we run after Him (Jeremiah 29: 11-14).  

But what He doesn't promise is that this journey called life will look like what we think it does!

Enter "envy."

I know many women who dream of being a stay-at-home Mama [SAHM] & I respectfully share that I am not one of these women.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with this dream, it just hasn't been mine (& quite frankly it still isn't).  I want to be working.  I want to be using what God has given me in the means of my brains, my education, & my passion to leave my community & my part of the world a little better than I found it.  I want to make money to contribute to our family's finances.  I want to be a PNP for Pete's sake!  

But the reality is that I do not want any of these things more than I want to chase after the Lord & the plan He has for my life.  I do not want any of these things more than I want to love my husband to the best of my ability or more than I want to be the Mama my feisty little boys need me to be.  These dreams trump any professional dream I could have, & what I hear the Lord speaking to my heart is not "no," but instead, "not right now."  

Now is the time I get to focus on my family, our family, & the magnificent story God is writing in our lives!  I don't have to do this, but I get to!

But that doesn't mean I don't struggle.  I still fight the envy my flesh feels.  My heart & soul know that I am doing everything I can to run after God, but my flesh wants the things of this world.  This is the ultimate battle.  

As my girlfriends get jobs & I see Mamas "doing it all,"--& doing it well I might add--I fight the envy that says "but I want that! I want what she has!"  (picture me whining...ha.)  And this, my friends, is a battle worth fighting.  

And now for my dirty feet. 

In the past 24 hours, I have seen God's hand at work; I have seen why He's said "no" for now & how He's revealing more of Himself to me:

Yesterday a dear friend picked me up from the mechanic shop & chauffeured me around town as we canvassed our town telling folks about Chosen Charlotte & why we're supporting the event.  We didn't ask for money, we just asked for the opportunity to share why the event is happening & why we're a part of it.  We spent 6 hours in our quaint little town & had endless conversations with people about adoption.  We met adoptive adults, people who knew someone who had adopted, & handed out over 200 informative flyers.  It was an exhaustingly wonderful day! 

Later that night, I was sharing with JP the stories of the day when I realized just how tired I was & how dirty I felt.  Thanks to my wonderful hubby, I proceeded to head upstairs to soak my tired legs in a hot bath.  It was then that I noticed just how filthy my feet were.  The weather yesterday was overcast & mild, but in true NC fashion, it was extremely humid.  I wore flip flops & a maxi skirt for our trek around town, & I honestly didn't realize how dirty my feet had gotten.  They were so filthy the bathwater immediately turned a light gray when I stepped in.  Yuck.

As I proceeded to scrub my feet, I couldn't help but think about what the Bible says about dirty feet. I was completely humbled as I recalled the Scripture that reads:

"How beautiful on the mountains

are the feet of the messenger who brings good news,

the good news of peace and salvation,

the news that the God of Israel reigns!"  (Isaiah 52:7 NLT)

We all know the prophets weren't tromping around Jerusalem in their sneakers; neither was Christ or His disciples.  History tells us they wore sandals--if anything at all.  Just before His betrayal, Jesus demonstrates humility, service, & love when He washes the feet of His own disciples (John 13).  That can't have been a glamorous event.  

I always thought this particular Scripture, Isaiah 52:7, to be in reference to missionaries.  You know the ones: the people that hear "the call," sell all their American possessions, kiss their families goodbye, & take off to the African Bush to tell unreached souls about Christ's love.  That's who the Scriptures are referring to right?

Probably so, but maybe there's a modern-day, pertinent lesson to learn here. 

So there I sat, scrubbing the dirty of the day off my tired feet.  And God took that moment to speak to the depths of my soul & remind me that "the feet that bring the good news that God reigns are beautiful."  Woa.  I sure didn't feel pretty, but as I recalled conversations of the day, I smiled at the opportunities we were given to dirty our feet as we obediently stepped out in to our community to share with them a modern-day cause that is near & dear to our Heavenly Father's heart.  

Integrity, envy, & dirty feet.  I am not perfect but Heaven knows I am trying. And I will continue to clumsily run towards Him as I store treasures in Heaven because that's where my heart ultimately longs to be.  My prayer for you is that you would see His hand in your journey & that you will have many opportunities to get your feet dirty!

The one with aaalllll of August!

So it's been over a month since I've written anything--well that's not entirely true because I've started posts I can't seem to find the words to finish.  Maybe I've lost my knack for writing. Maybe.

I digress.

August 2014, what a month!  This month started with a (slightly) therapeutic shopping trip where I purchased our boys matching tees.  

#chinamama #waitingmama #boymomtimesthree

Then we celebrated Jayson's last week at Primrose with the annual summer musical. Our little guy looked so grown & so handsome!

Next came my birthday. My 31st to be exact.  And I felt the need for a new 'do so bangs it is.  And I'm still rockin' them!

I cannot believe I don't have a picture, but on my birthday, our UH-MAZING community group from church coordinated many of our local friends/family like friends for a birthday & dual graduation cookout for JP & me!  It was a complete surprise & neither of us knew they were doing it.  It was AWESOME!

Next, JP & I dropped our kiddo with Gamme & Papa for the week while we took off to California. We headed west to celebrate the wedding of one of his college buddies, & during the planning phase (over a year ago), we had NO idea we'd be in the midst of a dual international adoption.  So like all good parents do, we planned to drop the kiddo & take a few extra days to ourselves rompin' up the west coast.  And we did.

We started off in Long Beach where we stayed on the Queen Mary (a very old, Titanic-esc boat)

We busted out 5 miles together the morning after. So fun!

We rented a convertible (for $1/day thanks to my frugal husband) & cruised up to the wedding in Woodland Village, CA.

It was a beautiful celebration & we had a wonderful time!

After the wedding we hopped in the car & cruised up the Pacific Coast Highway--if you get the chance to do it, do!  It was beautiful!  We saw Malibu, quaint fishing villages, sunbathing elephant seals, & a beautiful sunset.

The hardest part of this leg was standing by the ocean knowing our boys are just on the other side.  So close, but so far away.

Then we set off to explore the San Francisco area for 2 days.  We saw the Redwood Forest, Coit Tower, Chinatown, the Golden Gate Bridge, & Fisherman's Wharf.  We rode trolleys!  We ate amazing food & hiked the hills of San Fran till our feet hurt!

Oh August, there's more.

2 weeks into the month boy my boys took off on their latest adventures: JP started his first job as an attending & Jayson started the 1st grade!

Because all things superhero helped our superhero not be afraid

gosh my men are handsome & ready to take on the world

Took the first day of 1st grade like a champ!

So we celebrated with an age-old Fritz Family tradition (w/a twist):
ice cream cone @McDonald's after the first day of school

And our little guy now loves reading because--according to Mrs. Beers--he "reads like a grown-up
[& we COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD]

Houie, however, has been slightly depressed & waits for them to come home everyday, poor baby

And you think that would be enough to keep us busy for a month, but there is more:

7 years old. By the end of the month, our J turned an amazing 7 years old & while birthdays are FABULOUSLY fun, they bring hard stuff too.  Like chats about his bio family, & the very natural questions he has about why he's not celebrating with them.  Tough stuff.  But that's a post for another day.

There is plenty of oh-so-amazingly fun stuff too: like his very first friend-oriented birthday party. In a pool, Complete with ice cream superhero cake, cupcakes, watermelon, cheese puffs, & a chaotic but wonderful shower of gifts!.  There were wannabe pancake-crepe things for breakfast--made better with Nutella--& mac & cheese from Bojangles for lunch & Cracker Barrel for dinner.  All his favorite things.

As for China: our paperwork was officially logged in to China's system on 7/30/14 which means we are now waiting for China to send us the all important LOA.  This will trigger the final paperwork chase prior to traveling.  Our hopes remain to travel between Thanksgiving & Christmas. We are also continuing to wait for the file of the 5 year old boy that started this whole thing to begin with :)  Rumor has it that we should be hearing something official soon, so we appreciate each & every one of your prayers!

And that is where we bring August 2014 to a close.  Life is great, we are wildly blessed, & my boys are off to amazing new adventures where they will grow, be challenged, & make a difference in their worlds.

And I am off to nest as we wait for our newest boys to arrive :-)

The one where we explain DTC, LID, & speculate about the future (again)

When you're adopting--doesn't matter from where--every phone call from an unknown number, every email that comes in, every alert of a new message means it could be THE ONE. 

THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. 

but....the reality is that most of the time they're not: they're simply telemarketers & junkmail

or they're the type of contact you really didn't want to get; like the one [or 2 or 3] in our case where something wasn't quite right with our paperwork & we needed to chase down someone, make a day trip to Raleigh (again), or call in a favor.

BUT sometimes....oh my....sometimes THEY ARE ACTUALLY THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!

Friday, July 25th= Dossier to China

We are DTC!!!

In short, our Dossier is a compilation of 13 documents about Jonathan & I, who we are, what we do, our finances, our home study, etc--that have been legally approved by Cabarrus County, the North Carolina Secretary of State, the US Secretary of State, the office of US Immigration Services, & the US Chinese Consulate.  The completed & approved packet was reviewed for accuracy & translated into Chinese by our agency & mailed to China on July 25th, 2014---or our "DTC Day"!!

Next step, wait.

We were notified Monday, July 28th, 2014 that our dossier had made it across the world & had been delivered to the China Center for Children's Welfare & Adoption (CCCWA).  They are the people/organization that approves us to adopt our boys, so they are pretty important to us & we pray for them DAILY.  For real.

Then today, oh today's news came much quicker than we anticipated!

We are LID!!

This means today is our "log in date": the date that our dossier has been logged into China's system!  We're on their radar now folks!

So what now?

We wait.

But if you've been following our blog or know anything about international--or domestic for that matter--you probably already knew that :)

So sometimes the process moves REALLY fast, like this week, even when you least expect it.  Other times....oh the other times it moves so.very.slow.

Next step for us is to wait for our "letter of approval" [LOA].  This is the letter stating that the CCCWA has reviewed our packet & approved us to adopt the specific child(ren) we are currently matched to.  Rumor is an approx wait of 5-6 weeks for LOA from LID.  That puts us LOA around the week of September 11th. 

We are matched to our little "Teddy" (2.5 year old boy) & are still waiting to hear about the older kiddo we requested about originally.

We would LOVE for you to pray with us to move our paperwork through the system & get our boys home in time for Christmas!  What an amazing present that would be :-)

The one on his 5th Birthday

We're fresh off a weekend of celebrating our parent's 40th Wedding Anniversary in Atlanta & boy did we have a great time revisiting places, memories, & pictures that make a 40 year legacy of love & commitment! 

Turner Field

And then today: today marks our 7 year engagement anniversary.  7 Years ago my sweet, mischievous, sexy boyfriend asked me to be his wife in the most perfect way [for us].  Now here we are, in the midst of an incredible journey together

 

It was a great weekend but as I lay down tonight my heart is quite heavy. 

Somewhere, on the other side of the world, there is a little boy turning 5 today.  His day has already begun & so I wonder: has someone wished him a 'happy birthday'?  Is anyone going to celebrate his precious life today?  Will there be balloons, cake, & presents?  Will he feel special or celebrated?

On a day set designated for celebration I am left wondering if he knows: does he have any idea how much he is wanted?  How much he is loved?  Does he have any idea that he is loved by the Creator of the universe?  Does he know that he is fearfully and wonderfully made?  Does he know he has been created to leave a legacy in this world that is bigger than himself?  Does he know he is he is cherished & treasured by a family halfway around the world?  Does he know how deeply we long to hold him in our arms?  Oh Lord, does he know that he is loved? 

These are the musings of a waiting Mama....

And I wonder too, where was I on the day he was born?  What was I doing?  How was God working in my life to prepare me to be his Mama?  Where are his belly Mommy & Daddy now?  Are they thinking of him today & wondering how he is doing?  Are they celebrating today that they made the right choice in giving their son a different chance at life or are they grieving the unthinkable loss of not being about to care for him?


The honest answer to all of these questions is that I don't know & it is likely that I never will. There are so many more questions I will probably never have the answers to; & it is not for my own benefit alone that I wish we could know.  It breaks my heart to know he will have questions one day, so many questions, that we will never be able to answer this side of Heaven. 

So on this, the day of your birth, we will choose to celebrate what we do know: you are loved sweet child!  You are loved by this Mama & Daddy--& our wonderfully crazy family--& we cannot wait until we get to meet you, get to hold you, & get to celebrate you for the precious, valued life that you are!  More importantly, you are loved by the one & only Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe!  He knit you together in your belly Mommy's womb & He knows your inmost thoughts.  He has been with you every step of the way.  He has never left your side & He has incredible things in store for your life! 

The Voice (VOICE)

Psalm 139

For the worship leader. A song of David.

¹ O Eternal One, You have explored my heart and know exactly who I am;
² You even know the small details like when I take a seat and when I stand up again.
    Even when I am far away, You know what I’m thinking.
³ You observe my wanderings and my sleeping, my waking and my dreaming,
    and You know everything I do in more detail than even I know.
⁴ You know what I’m going to say long before I say it.
    It is true, Eternal One, that You know everything and everyone.
⁵ You have surrounded me on every side, behind me and before me,
    and You have placed Your hand gently on my shoulder.
⁶ It is the most amazing feeling to know how deeply You know me, inside and out;
    the realization of it is so great that I cannot comprehend it.

⁷ Can I go anywhere apart from Your Spirit?
    Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?

⁸ If I go up into heaven, You are there.
    If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.
⁹ If I ride on the wings of morning,
    if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,
¹⁰ Even then You will be there to guide me;
    Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.
¹¹ Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,
    the light around me will soon be turned to night,”
¹² You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.
    For You the night is just as bright as the day.
    Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.

¹³ For You shaped me, inside and out.
    You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.
¹⁴ I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
    You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
    Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.
¹⁵     You see all things; nothing about me was hidden from You
As I took shape in secret,
    carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.
¹⁶ You see all things;
    You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
    You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.
¹⁷ Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
    How grand in scope! How many in number!
¹⁸ If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!
    Even when I wake up, I am still near to You.

We celebrate you today, sweet one, & cannot wait to hold you in our arms!  Happy Birthday dear child~  Love, your Mama & Daddy

The one with the pity party

So just as an fyi, this post is not intended to be a self-induced pity party....so venture on, it's ok!

Today we hit the one year mark.  One year since we said "Yes Lord" & launched this whole crazy adventure.  One year since we looked at our little one's face & knew God was calling us to step out of our comfort zone [domestic adoption] & let Him lead us to where our faith & our home know no boarders.  One year=365 days.  365 long days.  365 days where my heart & arms have ached to love & hold our little guy.  365 nights when our little one went to bed without goodnight kisses & 'nuggles from Daddy & Mama.  Countless booboos that we would have kissed, "firsts" we would have celebrated, & challenges we could have faced together as a family. 

One full year.  Ouch.

I thought he would be here by now.  My heart hurts that he is not. 

[Sidebar--we didn't learn about our "oops baby" until February, so we're at the 5 month mark on him]

My heart hurts that they are not here, snuggled into their beds in the room beside Jayson's.


Sometimes I think a year is a long time to wait & I want to feel sorry for myself, my family, & our waiting children. 

So I throw myself a pity party.  Like full-on "it's my party & I'll cry if I want to" pity-party.  For real.  You can ask JP.

But then there are weeks like this week....oh this week...

This week I have been reminded that this journey is full of pain for everyone involved.  Birthmoms, pain.  Orphaned children, pain. Waiting families, pain.  Families that are home, pain.  Children that are no longer orphans but are wrestling with healing, pain.  But those are topics for future posts...

This week I have been reminded that God's timing truly isn't our own & I am coming to greater understanding of the scriptures in Isaiah 55: 8-9 that read, "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'"  

Umm...ok, I get it, but I really don't get it.  

This week I've had conversations with girlfriends who have struggled for years with infertility with no child at home to love.  I see posts of friends across the country who have watched their babes grow up for 3 years [or more] in pictures because that's what it takes to bring them out of their home country.  I received emails & FB messages from more than one friend who's tried domestic infant adoption only to be heartbroken time & time again [seriously, ALOT of times y'all].  I caught word that a friend's child has been taken to the hospital & they don't know why, how sick he is, or if he'll be able to come home when they travel IN 2 WEEKS.  Then there was the heart-wrenching story of our sister in Christ who gave their child back to the bio family that had previously said they could not care for him, after 3 years.  Y'all, this is some serious pain.

And these are just my "waiting Mama" friends.  This doesn't even touch on the families struggling through exhaustion, trying to connect with their adopted child, those figuring out medical complexities, or those in the trenches of the healing process with their little--or not-so-little--ones.

So knowing all this, what I really want to say is "I don't get it!  For the love! Come on God, fix this!

Because I know He can.  He promises us that He can (John 14:18), and I believe Him. 

Time & time again throughout scriptures we get to see the promises of God & how He answers them.  His promises are Truths we can all cling to, regardless of our circumstances:

He promises to never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6).

He promises to give us hope & a future (Jeremiah 29: 11-14). 

He promises that good will come of the troubles we face when we love Him (Romans 8:28-30).

He promises to do mighty things with only a small amount of faith (Matthew 17:20).

And I personally love how He promises to grant us peace & victory over the trials of this earth (John 16:33)! 

So it's going to be hard.  He doesn't promise ease & understanding (at least not that I have found!), and there will be crummy days we'd rather forget.  Maybe crummy weeks, or crummy seasons we wish we could change.  But He really is in all things, all we have to do is wait on Him.

I will choose, everyday, to wait on the Lord: trusting & believing He loves my babies more than I can fathom & that through this year-long wait, He has done something amazing in our kiddo that will ultimately show others the love of Christ.

So I will begin every day anew & I will choose wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14).  And, I will also choose joy & gratitude (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)....instead of my pity-party ;-)