Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The one with the pity party

So just as an fyi, this post is not intended to be a self-induced pity venture on, it's ok!

Today we hit the one year mark.  One year since we said "Yes Lord" & launched this whole crazy adventure.  One year since we looked at our little one's face & knew God was calling us to step out of our comfort zone [domestic adoption] & let Him lead us to where our faith & our home know no boarders.  One year=365 days.  365 long days.  365 days where my heart & arms have ached to love & hold our little guy.  365 nights when our little one went to bed without goodnight kisses & 'nuggles from Daddy & Mama.  Countless booboos that we would have kissed, "firsts" we would have celebrated, & challenges we could have faced together as a family. 

One full year.  Ouch.

I thought he would be here by now.  My heart hurts that he is not. 

[Sidebar--we didn't learn about our "oops baby" until February, so we're at the 5 month mark on him]

My heart hurts that they are not here, snuggled into their beds in the room beside Jayson's.

Sometimes I think a year is a long time to wait & I want to feel sorry for myself, my family, & our waiting children. 

So I throw myself a pity party.  Like full-on "it's my party & I'll cry if I want to" pity-party.  For real.  You can ask JP.

But then there are weeks like this week....oh this week...

This week I have been reminded that this journey is full of pain for everyone involved.  Birthmoms, pain.  Orphaned children, pain. Waiting families, pain.  Families that are home, pain.  Children that are no longer orphans but are wrestling with healing, pain.  But those are topics for future posts...

This week I have been reminded that God's timing truly isn't our own & I am coming to greater understanding of the scriptures in Isaiah 55: 8-9 that read, "'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'"  

Umm...ok, I get it, but I really don't get it.  

This week I've had conversations with girlfriends who have struggled for years with infertility with no child at home to love.  I see posts of friends across the country who have watched their babes grow up for 3 years [or more] in pictures because that's what it takes to bring them out of their home country.  I received emails & FB messages from more than one friend who's tried domestic infant adoption only to be heartbroken time & time again [seriously, ALOT of times y'all].  I caught word that a friend's child has been taken to the hospital & they don't know why, how sick he is, or if he'll be able to come home when they travel IN 2 WEEKS.  Then there was the heart-wrenching story of our sister in Christ who gave their child back to the bio family that had previously said they could not care for him, after 3 years.  Y'all, this is some serious pain.

And these are just my "waiting Mama" friends.  This doesn't even touch on the families struggling through exhaustion, trying to connect with their adopted child, those figuring out medical complexities, or those in the trenches of the healing process with their little--or not-so-little--ones.

So knowing all this, what I really want to say is "I don't get it!  For the love! Come on God, fix this!

Because I know He can.  He promises us that He can (John 14:18), and I believe Him. 

Time & time again throughout scriptures we get to see the promises of God & how He answers them.  His promises are Truths we can all cling to, regardless of our circumstances:

He promises to never leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6).

He promises to give us hope & a future (Jeremiah 29: 11-14). 

He promises that good will come of the troubles we face when we love Him (Romans 8:28-30).

He promises to do mighty things with only a small amount of faith (Matthew 17:20).

And I personally love how He promises to grant us peace & victory over the trials of this earth (John 16:33)! 

So it's going to be hard.  He doesn't promise ease & understanding (at least not that I have found!), and there will be crummy days we'd rather forget.  Maybe crummy weeks, or crummy seasons we wish we could change.  But He really is in all things, all we have to do is wait on Him.

I will choose, everyday, to wait on the Lord: trusting & believing He loves my babies more than I can fathom & that through this year-long wait, He has done something amazing in our kiddo that will ultimately show others the love of Christ.

So I will begin every day anew & I will choose wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14).  And, I will also choose joy & gratitude (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)....instead of my pity-party ;-)

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